Picking up women – 101


If you were looking for an article which would give you a fool-proof way of picking up women at bars, massage parlors, search no further. Here is all that you were always curious about but were afraid to ask.

These are the qualifications that you must have:

Name: Vasant Dhoble
Age: 56
Designation: Assistant Commissioner of Police, Social Service (SS) Branch
Previous posting: Vidhan Sabha security
Member: Police commissioner’s special squad

Track record
>> Suspended (1989): for taking bribe in Pune
>> Sentenced (1994): to 7 yrs imprisonment
>> Fined Rs 1 lakh for custodial death of Abdul Gaffer Khan after alleged torture (Jail term overthrown by HC in 1996)
>> Dismissed (1994): for Khan’s custodial death (reinstated in 1996)
>> Pending: Departmental inquiry for Khan’s death after SC order
>> Responsible for: Misplacing 12 dossiers related to gangster Dawood Ibrahim
If you satisfy all of the above criteria, then grab a hockey stick and rush to your nearby bar, club, hookah bar, and pick-up the girls that rejected your advances. Make sure you label them as prostitutes, questions their parents’ ability to raise their children in a wholesome family-oriented atmosphere and then go back home and sleep.

On first glance, ACP Vasant Dhoble looks like that uncle (read pedophile) from your colony who always seems to know anything and everything about the people residing there. The kind that gives Zaid Hamid a bad name. Dig deeper and you find that he is a vigilante who has the city’s best interests at heart. He is trying to instill culture into wayward teenagers and trying to dissuade them from “doing bad things”. How can that be so wrong? Apparently, residents of Bandra and Khar are complaining about the noise pollution that is destroying their sleep. Well for them, there are always ear muffs. Not that I am trying to justify the flagrant law-breaking of noise and crowd levels of the aforementioned places, but there is always a solution. Isn’t the policy of Bombay, “Boss, thoda adjust kar na please”(Buddy, could you adjust a little bit?) ? From a 4th person on a train seat to an extra person squeezing in to an already over-full train compartment.

The nature of this man’s belligerent jingoism borders on being fanatical. Just because we have patrons drinking in pubs does not mean that we carry an assault on their integrity or label them as being the outcome of a licentious upbringing. Such bawdy behavior on the part of the law enforcement should not be tolerated anywhere especially in a so called ‘democratic’ nation – we do not live in a fascist state after all. However, what is most unfortunate though is that we have laws that are vaguely worded and archaic giving free rein to such individuals who owing to their intrinsic bigotry deem women who drink in pubs as being ‘prostitutes’ – it’s disgusting and indicative of a ‘perverse’ and parochial mindset.

Ours is a country where a lot of emphasis and pride are placed in the cultural superiority of our people as compared to people of the West. So when people do go party, the immediate go-to thought in most people’s minds are “loose people”. Women, even more so, than guys. But you probably were already familiar with the sexist nature of our society. So, when Mr. Dhoble gets a lot of phone calls everyday from concerned citizens about the immoral atrocities in their neighborhoods, you can’t blame the poor guy for doing something. Otherwise, you would start comparing him to our Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh, who is as vocal as Charlie Chaplin in his heyday.

I think the root cause of all these problems is regurgitation of ancient laws such as “No individual is allowed to keep more than 12 units of alcohol in their own home”. Also, the new laws stating that everybody over 25 who wants to have some alcohol at any point needs to have a piece of paper called the liquor license. So, if some friends decide to have an impromptu get-together, make sure it doesn’t involve alcohol. Or just to be safe, keep that piece of paper on you at all times. It should probably do a good job of reminding you of the rampant corruption that plagues our country. How? You probably gave the officer some “chai-paani” (bribe) to obtain the permit in the first place.

Speaking of crazy Indian laws, here’s one that I will end this blog with. Under section 294 of the Indian Penal Code, it is a criminal offense if anyone commits any obscene act, sings, recites or utters any obscene words, in or near any public space.

So next time, you call your friend with the choicest obscenities or get in to a fight with a random stranger because he/she pushed you in the train or bus, make sure that Dhoble isn’t around. He will go tell your mummy that you are a bad boy/girl.

Saaheb, jaoo dyaa naa….

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3 thoughts on “Picking up women – 101

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