Color me rainbow

With the whole arranged marriage building up a considerable head of steam, I received a profile of a guy working in San Jose. His father was very interested in my profile and thought his son and me should get talking. He also asked my Dad for my horoscope. Much to the chagrin of my Dad, he asked me if I knew something he did not. Not that I am against Gay Marriage in any way, shape or form, but I did not think that guy was cute. Secondly, I don’t think any guy is cute. No disrespect to any cute guys there, but I wasn’t wired that way. I did not choose to or decide to be straight. I was born that way.

Which brings me to the main issue. Homosexuality and gay marriages. Of course, during the course of growing up, I have called effeminate guys who I studied with as gay. I simply assumed stuff and judged. I had no clue about their sexual orientation. I don’t think any 10 year old kid knew about their sexual orientation. I heard somebody say it, immediately made the connection that effeminate equals gay, and went ahead and labeled the kid that. I was a smart cookie like that. But then I also grew up in India. Where people aren’t really open about discussing  sexuality and parents never seem to be too keen to discuss sex or protection.

My first foray into dealing with said sexuality was when Govinda was trying to get in the sack with an actress and he was crooning this beautiful masterpiece aptly called Sarkai Lo Khatiya. So when parents aren’t taking responsibility for teaching their kids, they seek guidance elsewhere. Enter Shakti Kapoor, of casting couch fame. And it’s not that Indians don’t know about sex. This is the country that came up with the book of all books. No, not the chronicles of Chetan Bhagat. The Kama Sutra. Although, Chetan Bhagat’s photo on the back of his books are far more disgusting to look at than the last page  in the Kamasutra that says The End. Why yes, I am straight and single. Why do you ask?

If the name Baba Ramdev means nothing to you, then it is safe to say you are not an Indian – or a yoga enthusiast or are in complete control of your senses. The guru’s international yoga camps – where he preaches a medicine free world – have been attended or watched on television by an estimated 85 million people worldwide, making him one of the most recognisable Indian faces on the planet. That guy is as flexible as having a beer on a Monday afternoon. You know if you are employed, generally Mondays are most harrowing of all days. You know it’s a shitty pun, if you have to delve into explaining it yourself. Anyway, given the political wars ongoing in India right now, pseudo godmen such as Baba Ramdev try to voice their opinion about how homosexuality is the bane of all Indian cultural existence. Existence of homosexuality is evident in Indian culture since prehistoric times, as seen in different forms of art like paintings and carvings in temples. Here is photographic evidence.

Yet his exact words were,

“These are unnatural acts not designed for human beings. The decision of the High Court,if allowed to sustain will have catastrophic effects on the moral fabric of society and will jeopardise the institution of marriage itself. This offends the structure of Indian value system, Indian culture and traditions, as derived from religious scriptures”

Yet, we have women being raped every minute. Each one more atrocious than the next. Each victim younger than first. Yet, instead of finding ways where the average horniness quotient of the average Indian male could be curtailed by means of his yogic talents, he tries to find a cure for homosexuality with yoga. Indians are known to procreate with ease. Just read through our annual census reports. 1.3 billion people can’t be wrong. I think acceptance of homosexuality in Indian society could potentially solve our growing nightmarish population problems and also potentially bring focus to more crying needs such as rape victims or female infanticide. Or basic education. Ours is a country where the moral police have a problem with couples holding hands and kissing in public. Yet, men can quite freely intertwine their pinkies together and walk merrily along the streets. What’s another word for merry? That’s right! Gay.

Don’t let the likes of people such as Govinda, Shakti Kapoor and Baba Ramdev explain about sex to your kids. Take the mantle in your own hands and distinguish between those darn birds and bees. And also teach them to respect women and not treat them like sexual objects. And also, make them listen to Govinda and Udit Narayan songs from the 90’s. They were absolutely staggering and their lyrics were the stuff that The Beatles could only dream of.

Case in Point


Of God-men and Good men

All views expressed herein are my own, and do not reflect those of the God, Satan, Harry Potter or Justin Beiber. Just saying.

The above photo is that of a “godly” couple, magnificently named, Divine Light Sri Jimmy Nagputhra (Yogiraj) and Sri Gururani Nagkanya (Yogini). They were born Parsi-Zorastrians, calling themselves Divine Lights in serpent avatars. These are just one of the many “God-People” that entice followers in to their charm (get it, snake charmers? Never mind).

The above pair is only one of the innumerable religious organizations that proliferate in the world. To quote Khuswant Singh, “There are many other self-styled bhagwans (gods), swamis (lords), rishis (sages), maharishis (great sages), acharyas (teachers) and sants (saints) and gurus who have larger followings. It is not possible to make an estimate of the number of their followers because wildly exaggerated claims are made by each holy man. But it can be assumed that most religious Hindus and Sikhs (together making 85 per cent of the population of India) and some Moslems, Christians and Parsis as well, pay homage to one live saint or the other whom they regard as God incarnate.”

Individuals who are able to produce stuff from thin air (disproved by YouTube of course), who claim to have a direct connection with God, something us lesser mortals strive to achieve apparently, and many such more are classified as God-men. This means they are better than you. They can speak to God but you can’t. They have special powers, and you don’t. They can have sexual relations with multiple women, and when you do it, you are scorned upon. Traditionalism and what not. They get freaking tax benefits and you don’t. Let’s face it. They are a helluva lot better than any of us.

This should bring back all those train memories for all my fellow Bombaykars. When somebody says, all you need is faith and everything can be solved in 11 hours or less, it has to be a record of some sort. No? Down with western medicine. Who are these fools aspiring to be doctors and trying to save humanity, when all you need is faith. Apparently, evangelists thrive on faith. They can cure polio with faith. Stomach cancer is a thing of the past. You people working for a cure for cancer. You had your solution all along. Benny Hinn comes to mind. Cancer begone. And lo and behold, the cancer goes away.

In all honesty, I want to completely place the blame on these pseudo-saints. Miracle workers, if I may. But, with a heavy heart, I have to place a part of the blame on the people supporting them, both financially and “spiritually”. If it weren’t for you people, these crimes, there, I said it, wouldn’t happen. You wouldn’t be swindled and such activities would be nipped in the bud. But, no. We need to know the true meaning of life. Nobody can teach you the meaning of life. It’s for you to figure out on your own. Going in the middle of the Himalayas and seeking moksha. Stupidity. Going to the Himalayas to enjoy the serene beauty that nature has to offer. Priceless.

If you want to live life, spend it with someone you love and someone who loves you. Smile a little everyday. Be happy and make everyone around you happy. Enjoy what you do and don’t regret anything you do. Just be ready to face whatever life has to offer you.

Did I just try to explain the meaning of life here? Did I, unknowingly, become a God-Man? If you think so, donations are now accepted. Check and Cash only. Donations can be made in the name of

Nikhilananda Samashtanam
Random Cave in the Himalayas
Himalaya Mountain Range, Zipcode not assigned yet.

Thank you for your contributions.

Sada Sukhi Raho (Forever be peaceful)