Air travel agonies


'You're charging me for TWO seats; an extra fee for my trunk, and now you've stopped giving out peanuts!...and you call yourself a JUMBO jet.'

So work recently has been having me travel, in particular fly, a lot. The destination more often than not being about an hour and a bit flying time. Its that kind of time, which is a very gray area. Not enough time to take the effort of watching a movie, or get out a book and start getting engrossed in it. But it is the perfect time to do something that I love doing. Overhear conversations that the passenger next to you is engaging in and then judge the living daylights out of them. Because, you know, you can. And it feels gooood… Oh wait. You’re telling me there are some people who don’t judge? I call that absolute malarkey. Having an opinion is akin to having an asshole. Every single human being tends to have one. If someone tells you otherwise, feel free to tell them they are full of shit. Why? Because from whatever little biology I suffered through in grade school, I was taught, and then subsequently experienced, shit come out of my asshole. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

I digress. I must warn you. As mentioned in my previous blog posts, I do possess the attention span of a pigeon.

So let me take you on this journey, along with one of the passengers on a seat next to mine. We just started boarding our flight, and I was fortunately one of the first people to board. Wooo hoo Southwest Airlines. (Can I get my free ticket now please?) And the gentleman next to me, was a bearded bespectacled lad who, by my best estimate was in his mid-twenties. Full disclosure, I have been spectacularly wrong about predicting people’s ages accurately. More so with women than otherwise. But that’s for another post.

He was on the phone with his mom and was flying back home to Alabama. He was airing his grievances about how his previous flight, which was Wi-Fi enabled might I add, did not have the internet connection working for some reason. And he was going to write a very nasty, angry email to Southwest stating that their flights were pretty poorly maintained and that a working Wi-Fi connection should be available as advertised.

I forgot to mention that this gentleman, apart from being bearded and bespectacled, was also fat obese stout overweight
portly. About 400 pounds too portly. But again, I understand, lifestyle choices and what not. But hey, judgement rarely distinguishes. It treats everyone with equal disdain. Anyway, I hope that paints a pretty (not really) picture of the gentleman in the journey.

*Rant Begins*

This lardy blob of an individual with his love handles from his belly spilling into my seat. This Alabama resident, in his mother’s basement living, non-contributing zero, whiny, mouth breathing pile of….

*Rant Ends*

So as I was saying, this gentleman complains about his Wi-Fi not working. For which my first thought was the feeling of self-entitlement was strong in this one. Completely ignoring that he is sitting in a metal container that is flying in the air. Eating and drinking to his heart’s content. Sleeping in a chair in a metal container flying you across seas and oceans to your destination of choice that was previously only accomplished by traveling for months on a ship, with the probability of you surviving considerably remote. Seriously, ask the people who went on the Titanic. They were on vacation too. It just goes to show how we are taking technology for granted. It just shows that the most amazing time to be alive in is wasted on the dumbest bunch of idiots ever in existence. You are literally sitting in a metal container, on a comfortable chair, partaking in the miracle of human flight eating peanuts, pretzels and guzzling down your beverage complaining about how your in-flight Wi-Fi wasn’t working.

So while he was on the phone with his mom complaining about this travesty that was befalling him, he asks his mom to hold on, moves towards his backpack, removes his laptop, and attempts to connect to the internet. As I was trying to get to terms with the conversation that just happened, my mental judgements about the same and also trying to avoid coming in contact with his love handles that were invading my personal space, a thought struck me. Was I being too judgmental about this guy? Maybe he had a paper to submit before his deadline, maybe he had some work related stuff he needed to send out as an email that was time specific. So I paused my judgement, and glanced towards his laptop. He was able to connect to the internet. He bellowed the same to his mom on the phone too and proceeded to end the call with her as we were going to fly.

After we are airborne for about 20 minutes, the pilot’s voice crackles over the speakers. “Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. We are at an altitude of 35,000 feet and it is now safe to use any wi-fi enabled devices such as laptops or tablet devices.”

Mr. person beside me excitingly reaches towards his bag under his seat, which he has immense difficulties bending to reach might I add, and grabs his laptop out. Remember he has connected to the internet. So my eyes glance over again towards his laptop to see what important stuff this guy is really doing. He opens an internet browser, types in http://www.youtube.com with his stubby rotund digits, and proceeds to watch the funniest scenes of the Big Bang Theory.

An hour wonderfully spent.