In vanity we rust


This is not a diss at people posting photographs of their graduation. This is just a diss at society in general. Here’s a quick test to see if you fall under this category of people.

Question # 1: Are you human?

If the answer to that question was Yes, then unfortunately you are vain. People keep saying man is a social animal and you can’t really function like a normal human being without having friends and family around you. I could not agree more. This constant need for being feeling wanted, need for affirmation that people love you, need to propagate your daily activities and actions to your virtual friends via social media or otherwise, is what is primarily modern day vanity.

“You know why love stories have happy endings? Because they end too early. They always end right at the kiss. You never have to see all the bullshit that comes later. You know, Life.” – Californication

There is a constant barrage of well wishers informing you that you look fat or you are growing as bald as a hardboiled egg. They also inform you that are way too hairy in all the wrong places. So much so that society judges you. Or that your skin is too dark or is too fair or is “wheatish”. Either which way you look at it. People, who quite possibly don’t even know you, are constantly scrutinizing you on every aspect of your life. Every aspect of your looks. Every aspect of your character. Whether it is good or bad, the judgement is still happening.

And I would have my nose grow like Pinocchio on viagra, if I said that I am all high and mighty and I have never judged anybody. That’s an absolute lie and don’t let me convince you otherwise. I have, am and will constantly be judging you on every step of your life. Whether I have complete information about it or not. Do I like judging you? Not a chance. But am I still going to? Heck yeah. That’s what makes me human remember?

This drives a lot of people out of their comfort zones to feel accepted as a part of society. I have to work out because my friends think I am fat. If my friends think I am fat, that makes me less of a person. People just stop being satisfied with who they are. They achieve to become the person they think others will like.

Enter the wonderful world of capitalism. Companies and livelihoods are made and sustained on these teeming insecurities. You are fat. Society loves and adores skinny/fit people. Notice the plethora of gyms around you. Go to any medicine aisle in your local supermarket and you’ll see various products that are now fat free or promise you will lose <insert absurd amount of weight loss> in <insert even more unrealistic amount of time>. You have less hair on your head. Rogaine will grow your hair for you. Balding people are looked down upon in society. You have too much hair on your body. Let’s wax that junk off you. Didn’t you hear metrosexiness is what is accepted. Guys’ bodies need to be as smooth as Amrish Puri‘s gleaming head. I am pretty positive that women face this exact same problem, if not worse.

That diatribe was surely much needed, if not for others’ amusement self reflection, for my personal peace of mind. But I am going to end this by saying,

“Don’t tell me what to feel. All my fucking life, people have been telling me I do things wrong. I’m always the fucking asshole. I look around and I see everybody else is infinitely more fucked up than I am.” – God Hates Us All.

Yet, you will always be judged. That being said though, I hope a few million people read what I have said here and then flower praise, which would satisfy and quite possibly bloat my massive ego..

Mind your f****** language


This post contains words or even sentences that would bring most refined and pure individuals to give a look that is reminiscent of a Chinese person being called a Japanese. If you belong to a genre of people who detest the F word or cringe at the S word, look away now. Clearly, on reading further, you don’t give a shit about what I warn you about, so you continue to read along anyway. Well, if you don’t give a Muroidea‘s Gluteus Maximus about your senses or my sensibilities, then read on. But don’t tell me I did not tell you so.

If you’ve traveled in a Bombay local train ever before, or even seen one on youtube, you realize that you are in kissing distance to sweating individuals who believe deodorants are like common sense. Those who need it the most never end up using it. So, good wishes and courtesy quite often take a back seat. A quick look around and the choicest obscenities are uttered like it were unwanted pregnancies after a prom night. It’s that common. In fact, the Railway Authorities, led by Lalu Prasad Yadav, conducted a survey in which they asked everyday train users what the most common abuse they heard. About 30% said madarchod (mother fucker) or bhenchod (sister fucker). And the remaining 70% had their faces pressed against another man’s sweaty armpits.

Hailing from a country that has 22 official languages and countless dialects, which also comprise of Bambaiyya Hindi (Hindi spoken by residents of Bombay), language played an important role in my upbringing. Almost every language I have learnt to speak, have started from an obscenity that roused my creative curiosities in learning said language. But growing up in a world where even words are segregated by class, namely good words and bad words, my leanings have always been towards the bad ones. Which is when a fight broke out in a local train we were traveling in and an individual happened to say, “Tereko main latesht gaali sunao kya” (can I interest you in an obscenity I just came up with?), my ears got a little pointier. Who are these wordsmiths who invent these wonderful phrases? Well, a common man such as myself you say. Very interesting.

India places way too much importance to protecting people’s sentiments. In fact, it is the second most important activity in an Indian household after creating babies. Hence, there are 31 children born every minute whose sentiments can now be hurt. So much so, free speech is curtailed by people such as Kapil Sibal and Mamta Banerjee, both of whom need a hug, preferably by a straitjacket. To be honest though, our collective sentiments seem to resemble an arthritic set of bones. Doesn’t take much to hurt them. Which is why when Salman Rushdie came a visiting, “minorities” had their sentiments affected. Yet they let Chetan Bhagat spew out utter nonsense in the disguise of literary awesomeness.

As Hank Moody once quoted, “People… they don’t write anymore – they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it’s just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King’s English.” All of this coming to you via a blog nonetheless you say. Hence, the immense amount of self loathing. Personally I place a lot of emphasis on accurate usage of words as they were meant to be. Like, literally I wish you’re mama read this shit you write herr. Correct spelling gets me as excited as the announcer of the spelling bees. Only I don’t get to judge kids when they spell  flocci­nauci­nihili­pili­fication (whose meaning is worthless. No, seriously)but I do internally judge people who misspell common words. Pacify me please. There, Their, They’re.

As Shakespeare once said, “What’s in a f***** name anyway?”. Now get me that elusive publishing deal. I am ready to vomit chunky literary garbage. Ala Chetan Bhagat