My dog, the parlimentarian.

Reasons why the average Indian politician is pretty much like my dog:

1. My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
2. She can eat whenever she wants.
3. Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
4. She does not need to pay for medical insurance. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
5. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
6. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
7. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
8. She receives these accommodations absolutely free.

9. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

About 5 years ago, India and China were portrayed to be global superpowers. While China continues to grow, the picture that emerges from India is that of a great country in a state of moral decay. The immediate future seems to belong to the doomsayers rather than to cheer mongers. We suffer from a fatty degeneration of conscience, and the malady seems to be not only persistent but prone to aggravation. The life style of too many politicians and businessmen bears eloquent testimony to the truth of dictum that the single minded pursuit of money impoverishes the mind, shrivels the imagination and desiccates the heart.

Q: What is the difference between Parliament and my uncle’s rusted old Bajaj Chetak scooter?

A: Both don’t function. But the scooter is better at implementing reforms.

Young, dynamic people all over the country are well aware of this dire situation. They wake up in the morning, read the papers, and think to themselves: “Good God! It is high time people like me stepped forward to intervene, before it is too late to restore the nation to its rightful glory.”

After which they think to themselves: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was some pure comedy gold. I will now go and fill my US visa application.” However, there is one major hurdle that young non residency-prone professionals must overcome before they fly abroad: deal with tremendous social guilt.

In the past, going abroad for work was seen as a good thing to do. Talented people left, made some money and then sent most of it back home where responsible parents and elders invested the money safely.

But now, oh how times have changed.

So, how does a young, dynamic person like you deal with this entire social guilt-tripping? Here are some methods:

First of all, you must loudly and frequently announce your intention to move back to India at the earliest opportunity.  Say things like: “I don’t even want to go yaar. But these guys have a policy of training everybody in New York. The very day training is complete I am flying back on the next Kingfisher flight.”

Secondly, you must constantly say how you are upset at leaving the “most exciting market” in the world. Use terms like the “this is where the action is”, “the next big story is India” and “the untapped opportunity is immense”. Keep saying this till you are well inside the aircraft. And then start right away on your American accent dude!

The next canard is to tell people that you are only going abroad to make enough money to come back and set up your own enterprise. For added brownie points, make it one of those “social entrepreneurship” thingumajigs. But make it sound complicated enough to warrant your going abroad. Try things like “sustainable grassroots biodiversity microfinance for the girl child”.

Also effective is to tell people that you are going abroad with the medium-term plan of “doing higher studies” and then coming back to teach, say, at your alma mater. “We must go to Harvard, learn their methods, come back, and then beat them at their own game!” you must say, preferably whilst waving a large flag.

And finally, if nothing else works, tell people that you’re going abroad because your parents are forcing you to. Actually, you can’t even imagine spending one night outside our international borders. But the parents insist. And their happiness is more important to you than anything else. Later, move your parents abroad with you. Then tell people that they’re too old to move back, but now they never want to live alone again.

Alas. Green card.