Technology, trauma and tights

The year is 2013. If Hollywood had anything to dictate the terms on which science developed, then we would be living in space suits and driving hover crafts. On the other side, our world could have ended many times over either by asteroid collisions, giant floods, zombie take-overs, or worse still, have aliens invade us and then probe our asses. However, to be fair, the security personnel at the various airports do a better job of ass probing. And this ass probing is primarily due to the fact that technology is slowly but surely taking over the world. So much so that they can be used as weapons of mass destruction. Exactly the same way in which the George Bush government found the Iraqis using them or the Shiv Sena found on the Facebook page of that one innocent girl and her friend who “liked” it. Technology is very harmful and can be misused in more ways than it can be useful. Seriously, just ask the internet.

The reminiscing about how easy our past used to be, especially for people who grew up in India in the eighties, nineties sometimes goes overboard. Unless of course you were Amitabh Bachchan or Peter Andre. Yes, there were no cellphones. Or even if they were, they needed 3 people to carry them. Calling somebody using the STD, ISD facilities involved taking a couple of days off, heading out to the bank, withdrawing a truckload of money to pay for the STD charges and then pray that the person on the other side could hear you clearly without you having to shout like Celine Dion or Rakhi Sawant.

Which brings me to the advent of cellphones that can be held by one person in one hand. The other hand can now be used for itching, flipping somebody the bird or better still, driving. Cellphones have now achieved what a hot cup of coffee or bananas have been trying to do for generations. Enable a person to defecate in peace. People text when they drive, talk when they drive, run in to posts because their head is buried in a phone. Another person is standing in a corner with their phone recording this so that they can upload on to youtube and other people can watch, laugh and judge them with their phones. Phones are getting smaller, thinner and capable of doing useless tasks just like your average supermodel walking the ramps of Milan or Paris. People say phones getting smarter are making people get dumber. That’s like saying…. Uhhhh…. Damn I can’t think of anything clever to say. Maybe the naysayers were right.

Most people dislike Al Gore for 2 reasons. First, he makes documentaries. His documentaries are as useful as a high-end perfume and cologne store opening up on the mean streets of Dharavi. The second reason, more importantly so, is the invention of the internet. He is the reason why the average individual is like the population of India. Loud, sweaty and growing double in size every year. For those people using smartphones, let me make it clear. Internet makes people fatter. Gone are the days where the beautiful sound of a dial-up modem sounded like Mozart on an illegal drug. Hence most Indian men who grew up in the nineties get a titillating sensation when they hear this mellifluous tune. Internet has grown quite useful over the years. From pixelated, slow and blotchy images of Pamela Anderson in her famous red swimsuit, it has now enhanced to such an extent where people are capable of pirating movies with Sunny Leone acting in her very first Bollywood movie. Or even worse, Chetan Bhagat has his own podcast, where he gets to voice his opinion. But, to be honest, any place where porn, pizza, pastors and prayers can be ordered in the space of a few minutes must be a wonderful adventure. The internet is a wonderful place.

Attention span seems to have….. Oh look a tree that is shaped like Lord Ganesha. I must take a pic and create a chain email that would would force people to forward it to their friends lest they not get the blessings of Lord Ganesha. What was I saying again? Oh that’s right. Attention span seems to be diminishing by the….. ha ha ha look at that cat trying to smile. He thinks he is people. Let’s make a meme and call him smiley cat.

Technology can help you in wonderful ways. From making the world a smaller place where a conversation with another individual you hate across the world can be a few seconds away or you could actually watch Sunny Leone act *wink wink* in the middle of an aircraft restroom 30,000 feet in the air. It also helps you pass time when you are trying to pass something else out your body. I will leave the rest to your imagination. Can’t imagine anything? Blame technology.